Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Where Do We Go Now??

So hubby and I are just about even now ... I lived in Thailand for about 4 years and we just had our 4 year anniversary of moving to the US.  The big question is ... now what?

Clearly the number of years don't really matter nor can they really be evenly matched.  I chose to live in Thailand because I had already fallen in love with the people, the culture, the everything while my dearest agreed to move to the US for our family, not because he had a burning desire to experience life in America.  In fact, after several not so pleasant experiences with the US Embassy in Bangkok, he was pretty much ready to never set foot on US soil.  But I managed to drag him back here and now, four years later, we own our first home and our babies have turned into real little people.  We have friends, a social life (well, hubby does ... I have playdates with kids whose parents I like), strong family ties. 

For the first time in a very long time, I have begun to feel like we have actually created a life for ourselves rather than just kind of floating along without any anchors.  One thing that I have discovered about myself in these years of travel, love, family, moves etc is that I need me some anchors!  I get completely thrown off balance without them.  I think everyone needs their anchors in one way or another and they show up differently for different people.  My passions have always revolved around the people in my life and they have always been my anchors. My peeps keep me grounded and the thought of losing that once again kind of sends me into panic attack mode. 

Yet, it has been two years since my in-laws have seen their grandchildren, two years since our kids have been surrounded by the Thai language, culture and people ... their people, their family.  I remember times when living in Thailand, that ache to walk down the street and hear your own language, to run into a shop for toilet paper and not have to worry about explaining what you're looking for, to crack a joke and know that everyone will just get it, to not have that constant need to think and rethink every word that passes through your lips to make yourself understood and then not even being understood half the time.  I remember all these things and then, of course, I project them onto my husband.  I push my memories of homesickness and my own dreams of Thailand onto my family here when really I just need to own them all myself. 

I know all this and yet I struggle with what I actually want for my family, what is best for all of us and how to realistically make it all happen.  More thoughts to come in my ongoing search for The Elusive Easy Fix for Life ... advice welcome!

No comments: